"When traumatic circumstances do hit me these days, I've learned that the faster I can run my wounds to Jesus, the faster I get "unstuck" and find healing."---Christa Black Gifford's words in ger book Heart Made Whole.
In which I am currently reading as a book-club book with two of my closest friends from my master's degree. Unlike them, however, this is one I have already read and experienced. And when the idea came about to reengage with the book my thinking was that it would be an easy assignment, "I'll just read over your footnotes," I thought.
But the more and more I read, the more I begin to realize there was something new to take away from it. Something new to learn.
Chapter two titled "Managing Trauma" was always my favorite but this time around I'm reading it through more mature eyes. A mind that has aged. And a heart that has experienced a number of different traumatic experiences since the last time I read this book.
Upon re-reading the sentence above, I realized that I had not taken my vow as seriously as I should've...
"Do more of this, Sis!"
To take my traumatic circumstances directly to God in order to not only relieve the feeling of needing to control the experience but also to get unstuck in the things that would ultimately hold me back.
And I had not done that. Not consistently enough for it to be muscle memory by now.
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She mentions the experience of attempting to numb the pain and desperately desiring to feel something else when pain strikes.
To feel in control. The desire to just forget.
And I think about what I have trained myself in doing as early as I can remember.
Masturbate.
To relieve me of the unwanted feelings by deciding that a alternate reality and engaging in a sexual act would do just that. Ultimately, it does fit it, but not for long as guilt and shame trickle in to destroy the very thought of this act as being a good thing.
If the decision comes along that I need more of it, I can go on "benders" as long as weeks at a time in which I am engaging, feeling an instant release but no real change in the unwanted feelings ever dissolving.
For me, this particular 'feeling better quick scheme' has proven not to work.
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So as I work through my most recent traumatic circumstances, I often wonder when and if I will ever get back on track. Ever get back to a place where I can begin to love myself again. Ever get back to a place where I can trust myself again.
The answer is Yes I can. But the answer is also
You'd have to do things a lot differently than you currently have though, Sis.
In that, I desperatly desire to do things differently. I long for healing to come, especially for my current circumstance. Even deeper than that, I want to be AWARE of God walking this with me and to truely tap into his presence in my life.
As I sit here and type, feeling all the urges to ack on a 'feeling better quick' because pandora's box has been opened this morning. I recognize, what better opportunity to make the first move in acting and engaging with these uncomfortable feelings than now?
My choice in behaviors to replace those of the past...?
To draw.
And to draw who it is God says I am.
Because I don't know. I didn't know prior to these men walking into my life last year. I didn't know when I felt sexualized as a little girl. I didn't know when the message I was constantly hearing was, "you are only good for (really unhealthy and toxic) things."
I need to know who I really am because I believe then can these unwanted, damaging, unsolicited messages cease to return. Terminate from inflicted this deep pain. Halt from breaking the skin on healing wounds.
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