this sucks

I am angry.

I am pissed.

These past few weeks have been what feels like a mess of emotions as I have faced difficulties inside a workplace of mine.

My clients would not be impressed by the words "angry" and "pissed" as they are challenged by me every day to present specifics to their emotions. In this challenge, I ask them to use other words to describe how they are feeling. Learning to have a better understanding of themselves so that they might be able to more appropriately communicate with those around them.

They would expect more from me if they saw this so, I'm going to practice something that we do in every session, a Thinking/Check-in. And within this Thinking/Check-in I'm going to practice self-reflection, self-expression, and self-awareness.

So allow me to restart...

I think /or, feel: Violated, Irritated, Powerless, Overwhelmed, Hurt, and Anxious

Because: I have recently turned away from a position I love because I feel unsafe and ashamed by the things that have happened in the last three weeks.

My Risk is to react by: Turning away from the job completely. Giving my two weeks' notice without expressing how things have made me feel. Leaving the next to take my place vulnerable to experience the same thing.

Situation: A coworker on the job had displayed unwelcome touch, closeness and stated unwelcome comments. At first, I proceeded to remove myself from his presence, dodging him when he walked in and keeping my conversations to a minimum. This appeared to work for a while until his last comment just a few weeks ago. No matter the extent of how his actions looked or sounded like, they were unwanted. Once I was finished with my group, I sent a very professional email stating that if this was to ever happen again, I would escalate and make a report.

He then went to report my email as well as his response in which he stated "I wish you would've told me sooner" to HR. The next day HR wished to see me.

It is after my HR meeting that my feelings of frustration, vulnerability, and powerlessness started to set in.

During this meeting, I was informed that my email was threatening.
That I should make joke about things like this in the future.
And that I should have done things differently than what I actually did.


Thoughts: Are you fucking kidding me??
This can not be okay.
I don't know much about HR, but I don't think I am supposed to be made to feel worse after meeting with them.
This hurts
I am not okay.

Feelings: It has only been a week prior to that meeting but I have never felt so discombobulated and disoriented in my life.
I feel I need a bigger vocabulary to properly find the word to express the way I feel.
I feel weak

Behavior: I've continued to press forward. I am awaiting Friday (just a few more hours) and the weekend so that I can rest. I am emotionally exhausted. This has drained every ounce of me and I have had nothing to put me back together again but time right now. I have called on and talked with a few friends and family who have been through this with me from the very beginning. But I keep telling myself, "wait until Friday, make it 'til Friday"... then that's when I'll give myself permission to fall apart.

Corrective Thoughts: I do recognize the significance of this moment, with this event, in the time and space I find myself in. This will not be all for not. As crazy as this sounds, there is purpose in me going through this and feeling this way.
Maybe this has happened before and I can break the cycle.
Maybe HR has never faced this situation and could learn a thing or two about the human in human resources.
Maybe this is the push in the next direction for me in my career... maybe I'm supposed to speak up so that men and women behind me don't feel afraid to say something the next time.
Maybe this is the last time.

Maybe...


One of my best friends said it best... I've disappointedly been made to feel unsafe in a place where I work my ass off to ensure the safety of those in my care.

And this feeling sucks.