Making a difference Choice, Sis

(Photo was taken July 28th 2020. A video followed in which I was actively ridiculing myself.)

I am doing my best to keep this medium active yet structured. I don't wish to have it be a place that words come to vomit on a screen and become unhealthy for not only myself but the potential reader. 

And I say that to engage in this idea of "healing" 

Healing I believe, is inevitable if and when we decided that something is no longer applicable in our lives. Whether it be a thought, any relationship, a type of living style, etc. I think healing begins to happen when the divorce/separation begins in our minds. The "I don't want to be in this space anymore."

Of course, that simple thought gets me thinking about my 28-year-old self (last year)... who, in my opinion, made some extremely risky decisions. Some of which I had never made before, really doing a number to my own understanding of trusting myself. 

It sucks because what I thought I was building within myself, in my own confidence and abilities to make sound and rational decisions were interrupted by entertaining ideas that I had no business engaging with. 

A lot of that engagement, I have since placed the blame on its existence upon myself. 

Why did you do that? Why did you engage? Who did you think you were fooling?

Its self-deprecation at its finest. 

I truly want to get better at that. Have more seasons in which I am kinder to myself and able to speak healing over my trials and errors instead of holding it all against myself. 

So sometimes, words need to vomit in order to exit my system. Much like our livers at the end of a heavy drinking night, it needs space and is desperately trying to exhaust the toxins that have taken up space within it. 

I need space for growth, redemption, and healing. These thoughts and feelings I have developed for my past decisions have only been ugly, disruptive, and detrimental to what is meant for me. For what is yet come.

A choice right? 

Well, I am choosing to make a different choice on how I speak or think about my past decisions. I am choosing forgiveness today and thus beginning my personal journey of healing the relationship I have with myself.