One of the biggest questions I ask myself during an "abandonment spell" is...
"Why wasn't I chosen?"
A real gut-wrenching question as someone you have trusted and believed in has left you, again. An occurring circumstance I have found myself in a number of relationships over time within my young adolescence into adulthood.
It was only until recent years that I let go of the idea that it was all me and began to process what other things that person may or may not have been facing at the time. Therefore, their descion to leave was because of them and not because of me.
I mean, I'm talking good friendships, partners, potential partners, adults I looked up to, you name it... they left.
So last night, new moon, right? A bunch of other insecurities had popped up for me but I as sit in my book club group, I was hit hard with another harsh reality of this abandonment.
"I wasn't chosen."
Like a ton of bricks, I seemed to spiral into this whirlwind of emotions desperately clingy onto the fact that I did NOT want to burst into tears in the middle of us discussing another chapter. Fuck that!
Granted, these are my friends and I have been through difficult times with them and they're still around. At this point, there are years of trust built up and I would consider them part of my "Safe People" crew.
Yet, I was so embarrassed. So ashamed. I felt dumb if I'm honest. Like..." this girl got a master's degree and she STILL getting beat up by her abandonment issues...??"
But I guess, that's the very thing. No amount of accolades will dismiss the truest pains within my heart that can not be fixed with any "Feel Better Quick Scheme." I've got to go to the source but WITH the one who CREATED the source.
To my heart, with God.
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My abandonment spell is still happening late into the night last night. It's about 1:30 am in the morning and I am deeeeeep into the old text chain I had with this man.
I was HUNG UP! Upset and just disturbed by the notion that trusted him and he did me like he did. (moreso that I allowed that type of behavior)
I'm not sure what I was searching for but I knew it was something in there I needed to see.
Sure enough, there it was this morning when I woke.
Going backward: October... September... August... July...
After July I really could not take anymore. But it was messages after messages. Month after month that revealed themselves. Conversations revealing themself. Characteristics showing up over and over and OVER again that revealed themselves.
WHAT WAS I FIGHTING FOR??
"He had been that person the whole time. He was unable to give you what you needed the whole time! You were never chosen because he wasn't capable of choosing you, Monie."
Wow wow wow.
It was all right there, yall.
It was never about me not being good enough. Or that I needed to change. Yes of course, we can all use some growing pains but at the expense of a relationship with myself? Nah, I'm good.
I mean, it was to the point where I was apologizing for shit I had no idea what I had done. Or at least, I didn't think advocating for being treated better was something to be apologizing for.
Anyway, I digress on that because I have even better news, yall....
I know now who HAS chosen me. Someone who has chosen me from the jump. He literally died on a cross for me so I can be redeemed and forgiven for things I had not yet done.
I am Chosen by the King of Kings and Lord of Lords.
Chosen, you here me!
Selected. Picked out. Recruited. Elected.
ALL THAT STUFF :)
He has chosen me and will continue to choose me.
And THAT my fellow readers, that is love.
And that is all I've ever wanted.
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