Rejection

Google Definition 

Rejection: dismissing or refusing a proposal, idea, etc. 

Synonyms: refusal, non-acceptance, declining, turning down, no, dismissal, spurning…

Recently, I have come to a space within my heart that has literally screamed in my face. I like to think about the different spaces and dynamics within my heart that are present. Whether or not I use those spaces on the daily or not, they are there, as a few of them are cobwebbed over due to lack of nourishment/acknowledgment. And due to recent events in my life that have awaken some of those dark places within my heart, I have come to realize one of the deepest holes within it...

Rejection. 

Rejection is hard to deal with. Although it happens all the time, there has not been spaces to really openly talk through and understand the noun that makes us feel less than, empty, and victimized. No matter if we are on the receiving or giving end of it... it is difficult and no one truly enjoys it.

Rejection in my life has been around for as long as I can remember…
-"Middle child syndrome"
-Watching the men in my life gawk over women
-Denied affection
-The social definition of beauty
-I was too dark
-I was too tall
-My hair was too “black”
-Feeling that my athletic ability defined me
-Not being good enough to be a part of certain groups
-My degree wasn’t enough
-My career isn’t enough

Although they are just bullet points at this moment, I do believe each of these deserves more time to unpack. Probably something to be done with a therapist in a safe environment, giving it the proper attention it needs.

However, while remaining on the surface of this darkness within my heart, I imagine the little girl within me that has held on to all these moments in time that overtime has deepened this hole within my heart. Each time scaring other parts of my heart like vulnerability, openness, love, joy, and grace to name a few. World-renowned speaker and author Brene’ Brown once spoke about how when numbing parts of ourselves, pain, for example, we also unintentionally numb joy and happiness because they are cohesive in their existence. (Video linked below. Check it out, it's really good!)

Video Link: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_UoMXF73j0c

But her accuracy in this understanding has opened my eyes to the spaces in my heart like Rejection that I have shoved down, shut off, and pushed aside because of lack of understanding, patterns of denial, and never having it appropriately modeled for me.

So what can I do?
What should I do with this?

Well, if I can be honest, I don’t really know.
I do identify that going to talk about this safely would be beneficial and helpful to healing. However, until that time comes, I am aware now of this particular pain that resides in this section of my heart. It exists. And denying it is no longer an option for me because there is simply no more room to be in denial about it.

Facing the facts, it’s time to let go of this load— continuing to carry it around will only hinder new and growing elements of myself.

Journal Entry, 2017. 

Letter to self.

Hiya Sis,

I see and understand this pain you are going through. Although it appears dark and ugly, I want you to know there is beauty behind this season for you. There is beauty in the pain, in the tears, in the discomfort. Although it feels so uncomfortable and deafening, I desire you to know this isn’t the end. Joy is to come, love is to come, peace in your spirit is to come. 
Let the tears fall as you allow yourself to feel this pain. Lean in girlfriend. 

Cause it won’t last forever 

-Luv ya Sis